The Quiet Coach 10

March 21, 2023

---

Are all questions powerful questions?

Consider this case – Hasina started the coaching conversation by saying “I’ve moved into a new role where I’m working directly with the head of the unit. I’m feeling overwhelmed because he’s constantly telling me what I should be doing differently. I find myself withdrawing and nodding my head in agreement even though I really don’t agree. I want to be able to present my thinking in a clear and assertive manner”

Take a minute to review the questions below and mark against each whether it is a good coaching question to ask in this context or not.

• Tell me more about your relationship with this person
• How do you feel when he’s constantly correcting you?
• How do you define “clear and assertive”?
• What are the issues he finds fault with?
• Do you see a pattern in the kinds of issues he finds fault with? If yes, what is it?
• What could be his reasoning for telling you to do things differently?
• Walk me through a typical interaction with him.
• What are the consequences for you in reacting the way you are today?
• Why don’t you stand up for yourself more now?
• How do you see him being with other people?
• What techniques have you seen other people use to manage his behaviour?
• What could you do differently to be more assertive?
• What’s going on within you at the moment when you withdraw?
• How do you see this playing out if you don’t make a change?
• How much of your strengths and resources are you using in these conversations?
• If you were as potent in these conversations as you know you are capable of being, what would that look like?
• What are you believing to be true here – about yourself, your manager and the situation?
• What do you imagine would happen if you were clear and assertive?

Please be prepared for some disappointment because I’m not going to tell you which of these are good questions and not 😃. Here are 5 questions to ask yourself to decide whether the question is a good question or not.

1. Who is the question for?

If you’re re-reading this muttering to yourself “aren’t all questions for the client?”, it’s interesting to note how often in a coaching conversation we ask questions for our own sake. For us to get a clear view of the situation, for us to understand the dynamics involved.

The underlying premise is “If I understand this clearly, I will be able to guide the client to the right solution” – which hopefully we all agree is not a coaching approach.

Look at the difference between “What are the issues he finds fault with?” and “Do you see a pattern in the kinds of issues he finds fault with?”

The first is asking the client to share what she is already aware of; the second is inviting her to look more closely at the situation.

If you find that your questions are eliciting quick answers from the client, it’s possible that you are collecting information for your sake. Questions that invite the client to think typically involve some slowing down and reflection on the client’s part.

2. Are the questions focused on the person or the problem?

We’re all consummate problem solvers and it’s easy to get into asking questions that are focused on solving the problem at hand i.e. improving the specific situation that the client is facing. That is indeed the desired end goal and why clients come to us; however when we assume we can achieve that by only focusing on the situation….that’s when we can get stuck.

Look at the difference between “What techniques have you seen other people use to manage his behaviour?” versus “What’s going on within you at the moment when you withdraw?” The first is focused purely on tactics and strategies the client could use; the second is inviting a deeper exploration for her underlying reasons. Both are valid – however an over-reliance on the first could result in a surface level solution.

I find it helps to remind myself that the client has been thinking deeply about the question she has brought into coaching and therefore it is hubris on my part to think that I will be able to find a solution that she has not already considered and brushed aside. New options will emerge only when new aspects of the person are uncovered.

3. Is there an appropriate balance between introspection and action?

It would be very tempting for a coach to ask Hasina, right after she shares her goal, “so what do you think you could do about this?”

If you’ve been at the receiving end of a question timed like this, you’ll know just how frustrating it is….the assumption in asking a question like this is that the client has done no thinking about the situation and by the coach just asking the question, an answer will miraculously reveal itself.

Options emerge only as a result of a deep exploration of the reality; external reality and internal reality.

4. Is the question inviting the client to connect more deeply and authentically with themselves?

A question like “How do you define “clear and assertive”?” is very tempting to ask. If you’re feeling stuck and unsure about where to go, then asking a client for a definition of a phrase they used is an easy option.

However, like in school, definitions tend to keep us at a cognitive, head level space. I can talk till the cows come home about what assertiveness means without ever really engaging with what that meaning holds for me.

Ask questions that get clients to connect with themselves – in this case for example “how do you feel when you have been clear and assertive on other situations” or “What’s going on within you at the moment when you withdraw?” It is in this connection that clients can find answers for themselves.

5. Do the questions invite the client to look outside their existing frame of reference?

The underpinning idea for this is that when a client is not finding an answer in their current way of viewing themselves/the world, it is useless to search in the same place. What is useful is to help clients define the issue in a different way, articulate a goal differently for themselves and to take into account information they may be discounting.

Powerful questions are those that provoke the client to think, feel or react differently about the issue at hand with the information they already have.

Questions like these “How much of your strengths and resources are you using in these conversations?” “If you were as potent in these conversations as you know you are capable of being, what would that look like?” “What are you believing to be true here – about yourself, your manager and the situation?”
So those are the five questions – I’d love to hear if this was useful for you; if you have questions. Please write back!

For more information about our ICF accredited coach training programs, please click here – https://www.navgati.in/icf-accredited-coach-training/.
Check out https://www.navgati.in/executive-coaching/ for more information about the leadership coaching we offer.

---