By Prekshya Maharana
February 14, 2024
Growth for me is being able to change limiting patterns and one of the limiting patterns for me was my stroking pattern. Here I will examine my stroking pattern, understand the origin of my stroke economy, and highlight the changes I have made to build stronger relationships, based on my learnings from the TA101 program.
My understanding of strokes
Berne(1964) defined a stroke as the fundamental unit of social action ( p. 14). Strokes are very important for our survival and that “strokes are as necessary to human life as are other primary biological needs such as food, water, and shelter – needs which if not satisfied will lead to death” (Steiner,1971, p.9 ). From the moment we are born, we seek and require positive strokes for our emotional and social well-being. We prefer to get positive strokes, however in the absence of the same, we would be okay to accept negative strokes too. While positive strokes feel better than negative strokes; negative strokes are better than no strokes.
Strokes can be of various kinds and basis the stroking climate in our family, we learn to accept some strokes more than others.
Classification of Strokes | |
---|---|
Verbal : Expressed through words | Non Verbal : Expressed through gestures |
Positive: These strokes make one feel good. | Negative : Strokes which are experienced as painful |
Conditional : Strokes given in response to what one does | Unconditional : Stroke in response to who one is |
Table 4.1 : Classification of Strokes
Claude Steiner (2003) has defined stroke economy as “a set of rules that seeks to interfere with the exchange of positive strokes; it involves asking for, giving, and accepting strokes that are wanted and rejecting those that are not wanted” (p.178). There are five restrictive rules about stroking
As per Steiner, parents have monopoly over the supply of stroke and they create a false sense of scarcity to ensure that children abide by the rules set by them. Over a period, we start believing that strokes are in scarcity and we begin to structure our time to get the strokes that we need (Steiner, 1971, p.9).
With the above understanding of the theory of strokes, I started reflecting on my own stroking patterns as given below.
My understanding of my own stroking patterns
I started by creating my stroking profile in line with the diagram devised by Jim McKenna as below:
Figure 1: Stroking Profile at the beginning of TA Training
Basis analysis of my stroking profile and review my stroking economy, I recognized the following patterns of behavior:
Not able to give negative Strokes
Not able to reject negative strokes
I found it challenging to accept positive strokes
I gave less of unconditional positive strokes
The stroke stroking pattern is an outcome of parental programming and in the following section, I have tried to understand how the stroke climate in my family impacted the formation of my stroke economy based on my realization and understandings from TA101.
Early Influences which led to the development of stroking pattern
My change journey
Once I became aware of my limiting patterns of behaviour and how it was coming in the way of building strong relationships, I decided to adopt new behaviours. I decided to take responsibility of meeting my own stroke needs and work on the following areas
Accepting positive strokes & rejecting negative strokes
My understanding of my stroke filter helped me become aware of my patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. Whenever I received a positive stroke, I attributed it to external factors and discounted my own efforts. It became an unconscious pattern for me to keep thinking of examples where I was not good enough.
To deal with this, I learnt to question my thoughts and live in “here and now”. I reminded myself that I don’t need to constantly worry about the future or the past.
As an example:
A client provided positive feedback about a strengths workshop, mentioning that the majority of participants loved the session. Instead of feeling excited, I experienced a sense of unease. I began questioning why everyone did not appreciate the workshop and discounted the positive feedback received from others. An underlying worry emerged, suggesting that perhaps the session was not up to par. However, I soon recognized that I was not acting from my Adult. That my thoughts were, in fact, rooted in outdated beliefs about my own inadequacy. Becoming aware of this, I was able to reassess the situation objectively and acknowledge the efforts I had invested in making the workshop engaging, understanding that most people did, indeed, benefit from the session.
Start giving more positive strokes to others.
My awareness also enabled me to be more mindful of providing positive strokes, both verbally and non-verbally. I began to assess the repercussions of withholding verbal affirmations and recognized that others often misconstrued my restraint as aloofness and a lack of appreciation. I started making the following changes.
Conclusion
As I experimented with new behaviours, my stroking profile got redefined as follows:
Figure 2: My Current Stroking Profile
As I made the changes in my stroking pattern, I found my relationships improve with my family and close friends. Increasing my willingness to accept positive strokes from others allowed me to recognize the abundant love and support present in my life. This realization contributed to a heightened sense of self-comfort and reduced the need for external validation. Through these changes, I successfully navigated past limiting patterns, fostering stronger and more meaningful connections with those in my life.
References
• Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play. New York: Grove Press.
• Steiner, C. (1971). The stroke economy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(3): 9–15.
• Steiner, C. (2003). Core Concepts of a Stroke-Centered Transactional Analysis. Transactional Analysis Journal, 2, 33 : 178–181
• Woollams, S., & Brown, M. (1978). Transactional Analysis. Ann Arbor, MI: Huron Valley Press.
Prekshya is a Leadership Coach and has over 15 years of corporate experience spanning Banking, Information Technology, and Real Estate sectors. With extensive senior leadership experience in HR, she now works with leaders at all levels to help them achieve their full potential.
Prekshya holds an MBA in Personnel Management and Industrial Relations (PM&IR) from XLRI Jamshedpur, and is also an ICF credentialed ACC coach and a Gallup Certified Strengths Coach. She is passionate about transactional analysis and is currently in training to be a psychotherapist.