When I think I am in adult, but I am not
February 12, 2024
What attracted me to Transactional Analysis during my TA 101 workshop was that TA had various models that helped me recognize my unconscious patterns. Many of these patterns were recurrent. Not only did these patterns come into awareness, I was able to step out of some of these. In this blog, I write about how the idea of ego states helped me gain awareness and make changes.
What are Ego States
“Ego states are consistent patterns of feelings and thoughts, corresponding to consistent patterns of behavior.” (Berne,1961)
“Berne identified three ego states in which all of a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions can be categorized: Parent, Adult, and Child. Berne defined an ego state phenomenologically as a coherent system of feelings related to a given subject, operationally as a coherent set of behavioral patterns, or pragmatically as a system of feelings that motivates a related set of behavioral patterns. The Adult functions as that which seeks connection with current reality, the Parent appears in the likeness of parental figures, and the Child contains remnants from one’s childhood. Each person eventually develops an individual, consistent pattern of behavior” (Cornell, 2016, p.10).
In my understanding,
Parent contains rules copied from parent or parental figures. It consists largely of Do’s and Don’ts, should’s, ought to’s, and must’s.
Adult gathers information from the external world and other ego states internally, and communicate conclusions in a non-prejudicial, logic-based manner.
When in Child I feel, think, and become the child I once was
Functional Analysis describes how ego states show up in interactions. It is the analysis of the manifestation of ego states
Ego states can be verified with the use of the four methods of diagnosis formulated by Berne (1961). Cornell (2016), explains them in his book Into TA, as follows:
- Behavior diagnosis. This mainly involves the careful observation of words, intonation, gestures, postures, and facial expressions. If all the information is consistent (congruent), then the diagnosis will be unambiguous. If there is a discrepancy between what is said and how it is said, then the diagnosis becomes more complex.
- Social diagnosis. In this case, the response of others is used. For instance, when the recipient of a communicative message feels intimidated and fearful (Child ego state), this may indicate that the transmitter is in the Parent ego state.
- Historical diagnosis. This is a diagnosis based on information obtained from the person/ client, and possibly from his environment, by which the origin of the displayed experience and its corresponding behavior is revealed.
- Phenomenological diagnosis. With this form of diagnosis, a there-and-then situation is mentally, emotionally, and physically experienced as a here-and-now experience.
At times we find it challenging to recognize whether we are present in the here-and-now and in the Adult state, as the boundaries of the different ego states get mixed up and there is a leak. In such situations, the Parental or Child content is mistaken for Adult content and is what Eric Berne (1961) refers to as ‘Contamination.’ They tend to show up as our Adult reality and we believe that we are in the Adult and are unable to recognize that the content stems from the Parent or Child ego state.
Parental contaminations are beliefs, slogans, and stereotypes that we have interjected from having seen our biological parents, parent figures, and culture and taken in and made ours without ever examining it. For example: Food must never be wasted. Language is a good way to identify parent contamination. Typically, all the should’s, ought to’s, and must’s belong to the Parent contamination of the Adult. For example: Every day must start with a bath. Another form in which this contamination shows up is the use of ‘you’ or ‘one’ in the language instead of personalizing it. For example: Someone asks ‘How are you?’ and you respond ‘One must be strong’.
Child contamination is a belief that emerges from an emotional experience that I have had in the past, but which I hold on to as Adult reality. For example, if I was shamed for my intelligence in the past, say by my teacher or classmates, I may carry the belief that I am not good enough. This belief may show up, for instance, in adult life when I am making a presentation to an audience and even though the presentation might have gone well, I might believe that I did not do a good job. I look for criticism and reject a stroke thinking, “They are just being nice to me and do not mean it.” I collect data to support my belief.
Very rarely do we get to see these contaminations in the singular because every Parental message has a corresponding Child response to it. Therefore, most contaminations are double contaminations. For example: If the parental message is the child should be seen not heard, then the child might believe it is important to be quiet and that if they are not quiet, they are doing something wrong.
To challenge contaminations, we must first recognize contaminations. Whenever we feel stuck and are not able to solve problems or when we run into relationship difficulties or when we have overwhelming feelings and we wish to examine what is going on for us, we are likely to find contaminations. The process of decontamination is when we examine all the beliefs that we have when we feel stuck. Examining these beliefs, their sources, questioning them, and gathering more information helps us challenge these beliefs and transform them.
Seeing the love in my spouse
My husband and I view issues differently, and this sometimes leads to arguments. When I engage in behavioral diagnosis, I see him in Nurturing parent (NP) and myself in Critical Parent (CP). He is very warm, concerned, and protective. I am the disciplinarian.
If I go deeper and engage in historical diagnosis, I can understand why we are different. I recognize that rules are relaxed in his family. In my family, my parents are strict about health and hygiene. There are many more non-negotiable rules in my family than his. So I find myself critical of others, the way my parents were. I have introjected their high standards of health and hygiene and their criticism of others. Here are some areas in my life where I am in my Parent ego state.
Cooking for Guests
We have a cook who takes weekly off on Sunday. And that is the day we usually have guests at home. My husband’s idea is to order from outside, while for me “eating ordered food is a sin” and a “waste of money.” I can now see that I got this belief from my parents and they possibly got it from their parents. I would see my husband’s family as “spendthrift” and ordering from outside was, for me, one of the many ways they spend without thinking. Today after understanding the concepts of ego states and contamination, I recognize my contaminated Adult. I can now see and accept my husband’s view about eating out.
When I recognized these beliefs were not in my Adult, I decided to have a logical conversation with my husband and we expressed our preferences. This is how our conversation went.
Husband – “Cooking can be done by the cook, but interacting with guests cannot be delegated. Friends come to meet us not to eat food. Also, why do you want to get bothered with things like these? You should sit and relax with friends and family.”
Me- “We have guests coming almost 2 times in a month. We cannot be eating outside food twice a month as it is unhealthy. Secondly, I love cooking and love the strokes I get when people appreciate my healthy and delicious dishes. So, I want to cook instead of eating out.”
After both of us presented our perspectives, we arrived at a solution. I got in touch with my Child need for strokes, and was able to express them authentically. We agreed that the main course would be either made by the cook or ordered from outside, but the sweet dish would be made by me (to fill my stroke bank) 😀
Disciplining Kids
We also have different opinions on bringing up children. My husband allows kids to go to sleep without brushing their teeth. He does not mind if they don’t wash their hands and feet after coming home from the playground. My parents have communicated strongly to me that ‘Children cannot go to sleep without brushing their teeth’ and ‘Children should wash their hands and feet after they come back home.’ I understood that what I held on to so tightly was coming from my Parent ego state, which I mistakenly thought was here-and-now reality. I can now see it as a contamination. Historical diagnosis also helped me realize that his parents were very tolerant, while my parents were very disciplined.
I realized that it was tough for me to give up this value. In my Adult, I told my husband how important cleanliness was for me and asked him to partner with me. Because I ended up being critical of the children, we agreed that he would share the value with them. He made the entire activity fun for them, like making bubbles while washing feet and hands, lathering up and covering the entire feet and hands, making a beard from lathered soap, etc. I recognized that because of the strictness in my family, this kind of play did not come naturally to me.
However, thanks to my TA101 learnings, I am proud that we looked at an Adult way of solving problems, instead of arguing from our Parental positions. I enjoy watching my husband and children play like this.
Appreciating the joy ‘Free Child’ brings to our marriage
I see Child to Child connection as very important in my marriage. So, my husband and I ensure that we have it. For instance, we laugh over silly things, we bunk the office and watch movies without telling our parents, we meet over lunch (while at work), etc. While I enjoy all this, given my upbringing, I often switch to Parent. I hear a voice in my head saying ‘We should not do it’ or ‘We are too old for all this’. I realized these are Parent contaminations of Adult. Whenever I am invited to enjoy, I hear a Critical Parent voice in my head. Sometimes, I even judge these plans as risky and stupid. These plans have always been made by my husband, never by me.
In my TA program, I learned to counter these voices by saying that Child to Child connection is very important in a relationship, otherwise, the relationship may become very dry. I began to appreciate my husband for what he brought into our relationship. I am also channeling my energy into my Free Child by doing things that I would not have done earlier.
- Watching dubbed regional language movies together (Where the hero is firing bullets from his fingers)
- Russian twist / high plank hold competition, with my kids sitting and counting till one of us gives up
- I am more tolerant of throwing popcorns at each other while fighting (OK with messy floor)
- I am OK with sneaking out in the middle of the night for tea/coffee at nearest coffee joint
Ego states have not only helped me look at people and my relationships in a different light, but also how some of us are caught in the web of our past. I understand how we unknowingly picked up things from our parents. Some of these are of no use in today’s world and do not help me solve here-and-now issues. Each time, I am stuck with an issue and hear a critical voice in my head, I ask myself, “Whose voice is this?” I can see it is a long journey, but I am confident that it is a worthwhile journey since I know the direction now.
About the author:
Neelam is my trainee from Bangalore. She was a part of my first diploma batch. Neelam has studied to be a Chartered Accountant but left it at the fag end to follow her passion. She writes about ego states and how understanding the same helped her. She comes from a family where the structuring parent was very strong and rules were strict and that reflects in all the roles she plays in her life.
She has a master’s degree in psychology and a diploma in Transactional Analysis. Neelam is also associated with certain groups for Gender and Diversity studies and related process work. She is currently pursuing a master’s in philosophy with a major in ethics and logic.